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The Legend of the Blue Goon


There once was a man. A man with an impossibly large nose and a massive shrub like afro. A man whose skin, and hair, were born in a shade of blue. He lived long and he lived hard. And, along the way, he pulled every stunt in the book. He invented the banana peel trick and mastered the art of farting. And, after he was finally laid to rest, his life was told through the generations. It became "The Legend of the Blue Goon".

I first heard of the Blue Goon from my grandfather, Earl Beedleman. "He was a man of integrity", Earl used to say. "He had fortitude. Presence. He was the Bluest damn goon I ever laid eyes on". Of course, my grandfather never actually met the Blue Goon, but that didn't matter. The important thing was that the Blue Goon laid the foundations for what would later become a tribute to his life: Goonish.com.

The Blue Goon inspired Goonish.com and with its creation we all hope to be as Goonish and as Blue as he was. Be honest. Wear a wig. Always stick-out. Never stick-in. And, most importantly, get it all on film and edit it. Goonish.com salutes you, the legendary Blue Goon! After all, if you're not a goon, what's the point?

 

:: what is goonish? ::

In the deep and cavernous reaches of inner earth, there is a place where legends, and videos, are made. Dwelling in this secret laboratory are a breed of blue haired humans who are exceptionally adapt at the technological arts. Only one of their members has ever seen the yellow daylight of our sun. Only one has ever ventured forth to the surface. Sadly, he never returned.

Having lost a member of their team, this race of Blue faced people, the Goons, sent forth members of their tribe in search of their missing comarade. It immediately became clear that they could never scour the many miles of the Earth. Instead, they devised a plan: let him come to us, they reasoned. Their spirits renewed and they began building a web page to call their missing goon home. The hope was that somewhere, somehow, the Blue Goon would hear the message and return…

Get up and dance you goon! You are now in the world of Goonish. Relax. We want you to have a good time and we are here to meet your needs. Sad? Our videos will put a smile on your face. Lonely? Visit the forum and start talking. Broken nose? Let Goonish ease the pain. Look around and you'll see we have whatever it is that you want. Or if we don't have it we know someone who can get it for you. We're just that good.

Ingredients…
What goes into a cup of Goonish? Goonish is full of stuff that our highly trained staff of Goons has concocted. Sadly, it has come at a price. In order to bring Goonish to you our staff has consumed truckloads of donuts and ingested (and later expelled) bathtubs full of coffee. Thus, we would like to let you know that we have earned a place for OUR stuff in Goonish. Specifically, we have:

1. Videos - our team of Goons is out there writing, filming, and editing. Cinematographers be damned, this is not a glamorous job! It is, however, our passion so we bare our souls and hope that Goons everywhere are watching!

2. Profiles - ok, so some Goons were born more equal than others. We must disseminate our images so that the people can come to love and worship us. It is the way of the Party. These are your Goons people. Shower them with love. They love you too!

3. Joe Pokono - you just can't get enough publicity these days, which is why we hired Joe to do our PR. Joe Pokono is on-call 24-7. Whenever there's trouble, he's there on the double! (The only problem with Joe is that he works so hard he's always bagged!)

Enough, you say? Goons everywhere unite, you say? What about the little people, you ask? Well you ungrateful Goons, we know how to keep the masses happy. Thus, we have plenty of YOUR stuff too. Here it is:

1. Your Videos - we have our team, but we know you have yours too. So we are looking for videos and ideas from the masses. We will showcase your stuff. Just send us your footage and watch the magic happen. [note: If you have something you want to see on Goonish.com send us an e-mail. Please include a brief description of your video and a way for us to contact you. We will reply to you via e-mail with instructions on how to get your video to us. Generally, Windows Media Player compatible files would be preferable. However, if you want to send us a hard copy on tape we can arrange for that too.]

2. Forum - think you're funny? Got something to say? Tired of feeling as if you are the only Goon around? You're not! Come and talk. The forum is like a tea party, only better. Bottoms up!

3. Goon of the Month - prestige, glory, and fame are waiting for one lucky goon. Each month we will announce a new Goon of the Month (GOM). GOM's will be chosen from submissions. We will put up your photo for all to see. It's not Oprah, but its damn close!

We should warn you that as the Goon of the Month you may see another side of Goonish. The fact is that behind closed doors, the Goons here are actually a very professional bunch. We all wear suits. We carry briefcases. We drink latte's. And, we communicate using the lastest hand-held person to person communicators, also known as "cell phones". We do these things because Goonish is, after all, our company. So for today's market analysts, let us break down some of the corporate aspects of Goonish.

1. Web design - we specialize in giving web pages a polished look that makes you want to take us home to mom. When it comes to graphics, we are snapping pics and poising pens as we re-imagine your online experience. Streaming video and audio are also a vital part of the Goonish mix. Finally, our team of Armani clad goons can run and administer anything from a site on where to buy shoe polish, to a how to use shoe polish web site, to a shoe polish discussion forum!

2. Video production - nothing bugs us more than bad movies--which is why we make our own bad movies. Scripts are written and rewritten. Filming, acting, and set design is slapped together using the latest in duck tape technology. And, lastly, our super powered digital effects and editing crew go to work in what we call "The Bunker"

So you see things are not always what they seem. From preparation, to production, to posting, Goonish really is a corporate machine. Be sure to look for us the next time you fly first class.

But don't feel intimidated if you can't afford first class. There was a time in the humble beginnings of Goonish when we, too, had to ride with the suitcases in the cargo hold. Yes, it was years ago when a group of young Stevestonites came to a shocking realization: they were all Goons. It was 1994 and the first group of "out" Goons started pulling stunts around the neighbourhood. Their antics continued for years, but never caught on beyond the borders of their tight circle of friends.

Then, one night in August of 2001, Marty and Amish were on MSN. They joked about making a website. They remembered the Blue Goon. They remembered that they were goons too. And from this informal talk a web page was conceived. The first page went online on Oct 22nd, 2001 and featured four videos: the Goonish.com Preview, White Boyz Bhangra, Mortal Goonbat, and Afraid. Flooded by calls from producers and web design companies, Jeremy, Marty, and Amish new they had something good. But, before continuing, they decided they would need some help.

Thus, shortly after Goonish appeared, James and Dan were added to the team. More videos were filmed, and the idea of Goonish continued to grow. It was decided that Goonish needed a new look. The five goons got together and conceived of an enhanced version of the original Goonish.com. Finally, on March 21st, after countless meetings with the Prime Minister, a union strike, and near miss with an asteroid, Goonish.com was reborn.

 


 

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